I was on a walk recently, wondering what “important calendar event” I had missed. I turned the dates over in my mind, couldn’t think of anything, then dropped it.
A half hour or so later, I remembered that what would have been my 15 year wedding anniversary was the day that I swam a mile and a quarter in the choppy strong current of the ocean!
I looked back on all that’s changed since leaving the marriage.
This brought a realization: money and personal finance is now no longer a source of stress in my life, but joy, peace, centeredness, and devotion.
There’s more trust in my life, and the world, as a result of where I am right now.
Many years ago, I had very little in an emergency account.
Which meant that if something came up, like an unexpected bill or expense, I’d have no money and put the charges on a credit card. Because I didn’t make enough to have an emergency account, it meant that the credit card bill would be chipped away for a bit, then something would happen, and I’d be stuck in the same cycle over and over.
Marital dynamics compounded this effect.
I was in a near-constant state of financial stress. I would quite literally lose sleep at night because of my, and our, situation.
I wanted things to be better, to get better, but everything I tried seemed to backfire or meet resistance.
Make a debt payoff plan? Undone within a week.
Make a “build our savings” plan? By the end of the month it was forgotten.
Try to figure out where life was going? Crickets.
(To be clear: it was equally my responsibility as it was his, it takes two to tango after all. And I’m not blaming my former husband, we had our journey together, and the divorce was the catalyst for my freedom.)
Along the way, I realized that if something was REALLY THAT important to me, I found a way to make it happen. Flying to California for herbal training? Covered. Going to the Berkshires in MA for two years to study Chinese Medicine? No problem. Violin lessons? A must.
All prioritized over financial stability.
These priorities were oriented towards really beautiful, life-enriching things. I learned so much in diving into it all. Yet, the ONE thing that I was seeking through all of this was a sense of peace and stability, of groundedness. That was something I did not have beyond the moments spent in training, in study, in practice.
The marital dynamic I was in, with the feast or famine cycle (pay off debt, then re-acquire debt), exaggerated the financial situation. It felt like I was swimming against the choppy currents of the ocean while also towing someone. At some point, I got exhausted and couldn’t go any further.
I gave up fighting the dynamic and circumstances I was in. I stopped feeling ashamed of where I was (financially, relationally) and accepted that this is where I am and that I didn’t want to continue living this way.
I was done living in chaos. I needed to get out, but I couldn’t because I didn’t feel financially capable of doing so.
That was when my money path and the direction of my life shifted.
I re-oriented to MY life path and dreams, independent of my husband’s. (Which I had been doing all along with those beautiful, life-enriching things too!)
What I’d been trying to accomplish FOR YEARS, took less than a year.
I was no longer trying to escape my life. Instead, I was focused on providing myself my own safety net. And learning what I truly needed in order to make a post-marriage life work.
I put together the financial system that I’m still using.
It was thanks to this system that I was able to see plain as day what I didn’t think or feel like I had: the ability to make a post-marriage life financially work. That I indeed had the emergency account that helped me breathe a little easier at night.
Knowing that I financially was ready allowed me to leave my marriage.
The world opened up, shifted, and changed, and it was hard and challenging, and full of every emotion possible. I spent oodles of time walking around my neighborhood, connected with people in new ways, and did a lot of inner work that didn’t require flying across the country.
I did side-gig work where I could to help bring in a little extra cash. I lobbied for myself at work, acquired new responsibilities and a raise. Extra money came in from surprising places. Ironically, the divorce was what freed me of the debt.
Re-orienting towards the feelings of true safety, centeredness, groundedness and peace allowed me to make big changes to my life and finances.
This sea change has brought me such goodness and love and joy.
And you know what?
I’m still finding a way to do all the beautiful, life-enriching things, I just have a really healthy emergency account and solid financial foundation now.
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