I had a great conversation a few days ago with some friends who are also cat-people.
If you’re a dog person, stay with me on this.
Because this isn’t about cats so much as it is about women and people and communication and relating.
This whole conversation started because I remarked about how my cat was unusually picky with her food, and unusually testy and disagreeable the past few days. I didn’t know what was going on with her, much as I tried.
She’s a cat, she doesn’t have language the way we have language with each other. So I have to do a little dropping into her state to see if I can suss out what’s going on with her, try to interpret what her body language is telling me, and so on. Sometimes I can ask and get a sense of what she wants in a beyond-language sense, but it’s in a simplified “I’m happy, I love you, I’m sad, I’m upset, etc” way and not a “this is what I really need or want” way.
The emotional labor involved in sussing all of this out is a privilege, it’s a willing obligation when it comes to my beloved feline companion. After all, she and I spend all our time together, we travel together. She is my tribe.
With cats (especially female cats) there’s an unspoken and understood mode of how things work: “read my mind so I don’t have to tell you what I want, and then I have permission to be upset with you/scratch you for not reading the slightest change in my expression.”
I realized in that moment that female cats are a lot like women, and especially lesbians, who prefer to be enmeshed and codpendent, and to not communicate clearly/directly and instead communicate “in code”.
You see, when you are enmeshed and codependent, there is a lack of clear communication.
There is the expectation, and romanticization of reading each other’s minds, of being highly present for each other in a way that is deeply unhealthy, such that you exhaust your own self at the expense of the other person’s “ease” or comfort.
There are a multitude of reasons behind enmeshment and codependency, but let’s focus on what happens in real-time. Add on to the fact that women in general are not taught how to communicate with clarity and this makes for a relational minefield.
(As a quick aside, one of my friends said that it is important to note that for women, we make less money than men on average, and so it is of the utmost importance to establish secure relationships and then it becomes difficult to extract oneself out of unhealthy ones. This is why it’s vitally important to be as financially independent as possible, if you can take care of yourself you aren’t beholden to anyone - especially not an unhealthy relationship. I’ve been there: stayed in a marriage for years longer than what I wanted because of money fears, and other stuff too…)
With my cat, she loves belly rubs. But, you have to pet her with all of your presence so that you can feel and see the nearly imperceptible changes in her to alert you that she’s “done”. Because the moment after she’s done, she then feels that she has permission to give you a warning scratch.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that my cat has clear boundaries. She does communicate in her way what she wants. But certain activities with her, such as those softy and fluffy and snuggly belly rubs are rife with minefields that can result in getting hurt.
It makes me wonder, why, as humans in relationship with each other do we do this to each other?
Why would you want to set up your relationship such that one partner missing, or misinterpreting, the other’s body language, results in hurt where the woman who doesn’t communicate clearly feels slighted, unseen, uncared for, or otherwise unloved?
Why would you want to set up your relationship so that the partner who missed or misunderstood this silent language can then wind up “attacked” by the partner who felt slighted by the missed observation?
The solution to this all is rather simple: communicate clearly!
Simple, yes.
Easy, no.
I’ve spent the better part of the last three years working on this stuff, and I’ve gotta say: it’s been one of the most difficult changes to make and the most freeing.
If I know where I stand in myself, and can communicate that with compassion and clarity, and directness, then that allows not only myself, but my partner or those who I’m in relationship with, to be able to have clarity within the relationship.
If the other person isn’t clear back, then that’s okay. At least I’ve been clear.
And clear doesn’t mean an ever-so-slight shift in body language or making a “subtle suggestion” in lieu of a straight-up request.
It means, “this is what I need in order to be able to be my best and to show up for you”.
But doing this means that you risk the other person not responding the way that you want.
What if stating what you need so you can be your best self and your best for the other person is met with a “no”?
Well…
Isn’t that better to know NOW instead of playing games and learning it 6 months down the line?
Isn’t it better to say, “I have these boundaries” and then whatever information you receive from the other person you can then integrate into a decision to stay or to go?
Isn’t it better to say, “I don’t feel comfortable with X” and then see how the other person responds?
Because, what if the other person says, “I don’t like your boundaries” then proceeds to disrespect them? Do you think that playing more muddied communication games will make them respect them?
What if the other person says, in response to your “I don’t feel comfortable with X”, “well, I’m not the problem here, you are”? What will you do then? Have a deeper conversation (if that’s possible), walk away, or contort and people-please and self-sacrifice so that you can try harder to not be the problem (spoiler alert: been there, done that, and guess what? Self-sacrifice or “compromising” in that way doesn’t work.)
Let’s be clear: it takes a heckuva lot of courage and bravery to be clear and direct. To do so without anger or shame or guilting or any of that other trip-laying that we tend to do in lieu of speaking our truth.
We have this amazing gift: language. Let’s use it.
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