Certainty

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with the spiritual and religious traditions of the world. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in a religious household, I don’t know.

I do know that as a kid I was meditating, even though I didn’t know that I was meditating at the time.

After all these years, it is no wonder then that I started studying Kabbalah a few months ago.

In Kabbalah, there’s a concept called CERTAINTY.

Certainty in Kabbalah is living with knowing that the Universe/Creator/Light/God/etc has your best interest in mind, and that whatever happens: it’s for the best.

I’ve struggled with this concept because I have lived with a lot of self-doubt, second guessing, and feeling uncertain in my ability to make “good decisions” in my life.

Talk to me about a decision that I’m making, and you’ll be met with a dissertation as to why it’s the right decision amidst all the factors that I could think of, and plans A through Z, and so on. Sometimes I’ll spin out about my own life, and, frankly it’s exhausting to live this way. This is something that I have been actively changing and shifting – and I think progress is being made because I’m spending a lot less of my energy on this stuff and more on the things that I want to do.

When certainty was introduced in Kabbalah, similary to my Chinese Medicine teacher’s “straight ahead, damn the torpedoes” sentiment, I felt very uncomfortable with this.

I remember being younger with such certainty and straight ahead-ness. Then, along the way, something happened. It’s like I lost the connection to that. Or “too much” happened with “evidence” showing that the certainty was false. (Oh mind & ego, you LOVE to keep me spinning in place, don’t you?!)

When I left Brooklyn, after 15 years, I wanted certainty that it was the “right decision”.

And I realized that having certainty is not the same as things being “right”. Because “right” meant that things will go the way that I want them to go, not what is “right for me”.

When I get wrapped up in things going my way, it’s a signal that this is all ego. And I’m done with having my ego run the show.

Because things going my way is the KNOWN. Things going my way leaves no room for surprises or imagination or things being different than I already know.

The known and certainty are not the same at all.

Certainty is an unshakeable force from within.

And that unshakeable force?

It’s love.

If certainty is love, then I want as much of that as I can cultivate in my life.

If certainty is laughing because the brand new refrigerator that was installed in my house has a busted water line and I can’t have a functioning ice maker (similar to the old fridge) then I’ll take it.

If certainty is enjoying right where I am, no matter what’s happening (even that inconvenient migraine on a busy work day), then I’ll take it.

Because certainty is love.

And I want to live in and soak up and give as much of that as I can in this life.

Living from love means I am open to surprises that may come my way.

Living from love means that I don’t know what’s going to come next, but I do know (with certainty) that whatever does come, is going to be better than I imagined.

I look back on leaving Brooklyn…

Immediately following that, I spent a year living 10 mins from the beach in Florida – swimming in the ocean practically every day, soaking up the sun, and having a bunch of adventures all over the East Coast of the US. I had my first “real” relationship after getting divorced, learned a ton, and then chose the place to move to.

I’d tried to narrow down the list of possibilities of places to live using a spreadsheet.

But love doesn’t work within a spreadsheet, and Certainty certainly doesn’t either.

Ultimately, every choice I’ve made that has been significant in the past two years has been made from a place of: does this feel expansive or does this feel contractive?

If contractive, it’s a no.

If expansive, which means into the unknown, then I do it. It’s a yes. It’s coming from love, from certainty.

And now?

I’m living in a place that I was certain I wanted to be in 20 years ago, a dream that never faded, and I wake up every day saying that I cannot believe that I’m here FINALLY. I’ve been here, in this physical place, for almost a year.

And I’ve learned, that never again will I make decisions based on what is “right” (for me, for others) but what is from a place of Certainty and Love and Expansion.

Because who knows what will come next?!

I can’t wait to find out.